I’ve been ignoring the laundry lately, leaving it to grow into a huge laundry-monster that I’ve been secretly hoping would catch (or at least scare) my children. But after a few days of just covering my bedroom floor, I realized that it will not discipline my kids, and therefore must be folded.
So, as I was folding late at night, I happened to be watching Kung Fu Panda (go figure, because my four-year old was up with me) and I got to see the finest selection of As Seen on TV kid’s products. And I’m not going to bag on these (or all of them, anyway) as some of them are a fine example of parental ingenuity.
Pop Clocky
This little green genius is an alarm clock where the head pops off at the set time and rolls off to who knows where, therefore requiring a sleeping person to actually get out of bed, and reattach the head to stop the alarm. Genius. I need this. I mean for myself, not my kids. My kids already wake up at four AM and eat chicken and soda in the baby’s crib–they have no need for synthetic awakening products. But as a person who hits snooze upteen times –I think this little solution would be just annoying enough to train me to wake up before the alarm goes off just to avoid time groping under the bed on my knees to turn it off.
Pros: On paper, this is a no-fail.
Cons: Once my kids get ahold of this, there’s no way I’ll still be able to find the removable head past the first two days.
Zippy Sack
A fitted sheet with a blanket zipped on. According to the commercial, this way, you never have a messy bed, kids love to make the bed themselves, and they stay tucked in warm all night instead of kicking the covers to the floor. Score!
Pros: Didn’t you just read above? About the whole, not making the bed, or cold kids at night stuff?
Cons: I’d have to look at that giant dog on the bed–which probably doesn’t go with the décor of someone with more discriminating tastes (good thing I don’t have those). Plus, there’s the whole, zipping your kids into their beds thing, which could go either way, I guess.
Bath Blizzard
No. Just no. I don’t even need to describe this one. On the site, it lists the feature: “make bath-time fun!" I thought we’d discussed this already, crazy man who seeks to enhance the fun at bath time–bath time is fun ENOUGH. It combines water play, the threat of household damage, and the underlying fear of death all together in one activity. And seriously, parents, can you think of any three things your kids like more? Wait–candy. If you add a small sugary, choking-hazard component to this product then I might consider.
Pros: It claims to make thousands of bubbles, in water, for your kids, inside your house. There are no upsides to this arrangement.
Cons: I’m not going to win the "Funnest Mom of the Year Award,” am I?