I am going through a period of self-discovery so I have decided to come clean. I feel like this is the only way I can ever become the person that I want to be. So, here goes…
1. I desperately want to be the type of woman who keeps her house immaculately clean, just not enough to actually do it. My counters are cluttered, and there are dark spots on the kitchen floor. Everywhere I look is some mess I want to clean…but don’t.
2. I am not supermom. I’m not even averagemom. No kidding, while writing this post, I just asked the crying baby, “What the blankity-slips do you want from me?” Just said that. And I’m not writing in code words for profanity—I just said that sentence, as written because these kids are driving me out of my mind.
3. No matter how many low-calorie or healthy food I stock in my kitchen, I can always find a way to make an unwise selection. And if there is nothing on hand, I will bake it. I will scour the Internet for as long as it takes to find a no-flour or no-sugar, or no-butter recipe to make some dessert that will fit whatever health food I have on hand. And then I will eat the whole thing.
I’ve just been reflecting on the person I want to be—a woman that has a great body, clean home and smart, well-behaved children, but I try really hard and fall very short. Okay, here’s another truth—it’s not like I’m trying as hard as I can. That would be a lie. I know this because every time my husband makes one of those “what do you do all day” comments I am able to revenge-clean the entire house and make a stunning meal before he gets home from work for at least two consecutive days. But then by day three, everything is back to normal.
And I’m not writing this to get a bunch of nice comments and compliments of what a great job I am doing. In fact, compliments are one of my problems. My friend says I need to learn how to take a compliment, but really my problem is accepting a compliment that isn’t deserved. Like, if I spend two hours trying to shape what has become a bird’s nest on my head and you say, “I love what you’ve done to your hair!” I’m gonna roll my eyes. And when someone says, “You are in such great shape—I’ don’t know how you do it,” while just that morning my support underwear yelled “Hey, sister—lay off the donuts!” I’m just going to shrug my shoulders and laugh it off. And when I get, “You are the best mom in the world!” after just having a mommy meltdown where I momentarily lost vision in my left eye, I’m going to say, “Oh, stop!” Please.
While, admittedly, I don’t try hard enough, I do try in sections. I am always looking for a routine that will allow me to have time to write and cook and clean and work out and occasionally go to the bathroom without parking my kids in front of the TV or iPad for hours. I haven’t found that solution yet, but I am still searching for that balance. It’s not as easy as duplicating the days when every thing gets done, because those days are just too much work. Those are the days when I work non-stop from dawn until after midnight, never sitting, never resting. And while those days are great for my house, or my kids or my husband, and I feel really accomplished at night, I just can’t imagine going at that pace everyday.
I just keep working at it and hope I’ll figure it all out one step at a time. To be honest, as it is today’s theme, the compliments actually do help. I guess it kind of keeps me accountable when I’m in the heat of the moment. For example, I will remember someone saying, “I wish I had your metabolism,” and I will close the bag of chips. Turns out you can eat just one. Or I will remember someone saying, “How do you keep your house so clean?” and clean up the spilled gunk in the fridge right after it happens instead of leaving it to gel for two days. And when I find the baby knocking over cans in the pantry with the toilet brush, I remember how my friend called me “supermom” and calmly remind the boys not to unlock the baby lock on the bathroom door. And the pantry door. And then I clean the toilet water off my canned food without throwing any children.
So, here’s what we’ve learned today. I am far from perfect. But you knew that. And, I will allow you to compliment me, though I may not accept them gracefully. And, who am I kidding, where’s the bag of chips? Umm, that’s enough truth for today.