Then where is my village? And I’m not talking about to help me with the small tribe of children that I am raising. I am talking about me. How could I have made it thirty-three years on this earth and have so few people to turn to/confide in/guide and support me? I’m not complaining, really, just wondering how other people rally during times when they are stressed, or even really happy. Both my lowest and highest points are very isolating, and filled with lukewarm interest at best.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming others. It’s probably me. I’ve always been the type of person who is slow to ask for help. And when I make a conscious effort to befriend others, it seems I am always late to the game. No one is really interested in reciprocating the effort it takes to be a true friend. Especially when they already have a group of friends they’ve known since childhood. So where is my clique, my group of loud aunties, my pack of cousins, my old friends from back in the day? Or did I have these people in my life at one time, and I let them all fall away as I forged my own life and tended to growing my own family tree? I don’t remember.
I’ll bet a lot of other parents with young children feel the same way. It’s bound to happen when you spend every waking moment of your life with kids—who can’t engage you in conversation or tend to your unspoken feelings. As great as motherhood is, and as hard as I worked to get right here, this can be a lonely job even though I haven’t yet had one minute to myself. And I can’t even fake it on Facebook and fill my timeline with carefully selected memories because I am not on one single photograph in the over 2000 pictures on my phone. I’m never with anyone old enough to use the camera. Maybe that’s the real reason why selfies are so popular right now. Maybe it isn’t really about the vanity of our culture, or even the immediacy of technology. Maybe it’s just because we’ve all isolated ourselves so much there isn’t anyone else around to hold the camera.
I guess these are just growing pains. I’ve spent a decade putting down roots, and now it is time to grow my branches. I just hope that the fruit I bear is enough to sustain me. Me and the village of people I hope to cultivate for my children.