The last few weeks, I have had these weird experiences where I knew they were made to test my character, or teach me something about myself. And even during those lessons, it seemed I was only learning more about other people. Like, oh—now I see he isn’t a man of his word. Or ok—now I know that she isn’t a good friend. And, they don’t have the right intentions. I totally missed the lesson I was to learn about my own word, my own friendship, my own intentions.
And all the while, something has been tugging at my mind (my heart?) like something I am struggling to remember, but haven’t yet forgotten. Words on the tip of my tongue that completely escape me.
Then today, on stage at church I sang words I’ve sung many times before “I want to see dry bones living again, singing as one, halleluiah…” I remember the first time I learned the words to that particular song and thinking of what an odd picture the idea of dry bones brought to my mind at the time. Now, however, I have experienced the loss of someone so close to me, and the words convicted my soul. While reflecting on that moment this evening, everything slipped into focus for the first time. I have spent so much time over the last year or so pondering my gifts and how I am to use them for the Lord’s purpose. I have been very blessed to have a couple of different talents and have stressed about how I can best use these to serve others, or to reach others with His message. But as I sang those words, and experienced the meaning they had to me, personally, I thought for the first time that maybe all along the Lord has been trying to reach me.
I am not yet fit or ready to reach others directly. Maybe He has been leading me to the place I need to be so I am prepared when it is my time. And all the time I spend forcing the issue now is just leaving me ill prepared for when that moment comes. Maybe He is trying to make me humble, not because humble is a good way to be, but because He needs me to stop trying to serve others and work on serving Him.
Even typing this feels wrong on some level. I’ve been searching for so long how I should use my talent to reach others, so thinking that He first needs to reach me is a little deep. I trusted the Lord since I was five years old, so there is a little “what have I been doing all this time?” but that is just the enemy trying to drag me back once I’ve reached the threshold of a major discovery. So this Easter, I want to move forward. I want to concentrate more on what I do in my own heart, and what I do in my own house. Because every time I fail someone else, I possibly lose my chance to ever reach them for the Lord. I will equip myself, and work on my spirit, so that I can serve others fully prepared with a cheerful heart once the time is right.
Here is the link to the song that helped me get there: The Great I Am, New Life Worship.
Enjoy! Happy Easter!