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The Method to my Madness

I’m about to drop a little knowledge on you—buckle up, people.

  • The food in the bottom of the highchair seat is called “appetizers”.

  • The hardened French fries in the car seat are baby toys. You’ve heard of the “don’t text and drive campaign.” This is part of the “don’t rummage through your purse for baby snacks and entertainment and drive” movement. It’s about safety.

  • The underwear in my son’s pant leg was actually strategically placed there in case he has an accident at school.

  • Old bottles of milk under the couch are part of an experiment. We are trying new recipes to make our own butter and cheeses. I would imagine you need a cool, dark place to accomplish this. Exactly.

  • The lower windows on the doors of the home office are intentionally smudged and “dirty”. It is so I can work in there with the lights off and the children won’t be able to see me through the glass.

  • I don’t lock the bathroom door to get away from my children. Heavens no. I lock it so I can hear them pounding on the door while I’m in there so I know where they are and that they are safe.

  • The hairpins, thumbtacks and batteries are in the couch cushions because, obviously, this is the last place the kids look. I suppose you keep those types of objects in high places? Well, my kids hurt themselves falling off of chairs trying to reach dangerous objects in high places.

  • Baby locks? We don’t use baby locks on cabinets anymore. They use those as weapons.

  • I leave clean laundry in a pile on the floor for at least 24 hours because I read somewhere that this allows the fabric to breathe. You’ve heard of sitting a bottle of wine uncorked on the counter, or letting meat rest after cooking? Same thing.

  • Yes, sometimes I have been known to let the baby eat off the floor. It builds up his immunity and does wonders for his skin, hair and nails.


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